Wednesday, October 5, 2011


Well hello.
You may have noticed that I haven't done a post update in quite some time.
Blogging is like exercising.....
if you don't keep up on it, you finally just say fuck it.
After so much time has gone by, it feels very overwhelming to know where to pick up and start the routine over again.
With this blogging diet yo-yo of emotion, 
my imagination has been paralyzed.
I put way too many expectations on myself and how I want things represented and expressed.
My Hell!!!  
Why do I do that to myself???!?
It's just a stupid blog.

Ironically, as I am spewing my thoughts to you about this stupid blog,
I know that I am paralyzed because it isn't a stupid blog..... to me.
It is a documentation of my life and the way that I see it.
It is a release of creativity and laughter and twisted ideas.

So, let's start anew and rock this shit out!!!
I couldn't think of a better way to begin, than with a little story about a River, a Rockstar, and Random experiences.

Riv and I have been dying to go to a good outdoor concert before summer was over.
The Rockstar UPROAR festival was exactly what the rock-doc called for!
10 bands for $25 buckaroos!
We were so in!

It rained most of the day before the concert start time, and we were prepared bummed to think we might have to cancel our night out.
Around 3 pm, the sun came shining through the dissipating clouds and we were back on, like donkey kong YO!

My decision to attend this concert series was made solely on price and venue.
I didn't particularly pine to see any one band in particular.
In fact, there were about half of the bands that I have never even heard of.
(yes, I know......geezer material in the making)
Following is the band line-up:
Hell Or Highwater, Art of Dying, Black Tide, Sevendust, Escape The Fate, Bullet For My Valentine, Seether, Three Days Grace, and Avenged Sevenfold.

We showed up around the end of Sevendust's performance.
Our first plan on the rock-agenda, was to find a stellar spot to put our big blanket on the lawn.
The 2nd plan was to get mom a beer and get River his first (ever)  Rockstar beverage and a corndog.
3rd plan of action, was to walk around and look for peeps that Riv recognized from school...surprisingly, he only noticed a few.
4th plan was to buy an overpriced t-shirt for proof  that Riv attended said concert.
5th plan was to navigate way back to comfy blanket and chillax for a while.
All plans played out  in the way they were intended to.

Riv was sitting Indian legged, happy as a pig in shit, eating his corn dog and drinking an energy drink.
I was enjoying the warmth of the sun, my ice cold Evolution, and watching Riv be a free bird.
My concentration of how cute my kid is, was broke by River saying,
"I swear!!!  I've never seen more 'Dog the bounty hunters and Billy the exterminators' all in one place before!!"
And he was right!!!
I really should have captured some good mullets and washed up butt-rockers for ya, but eh....
I didn't.  
And now....I'm regretful.  
You would have enjoyed some good, old fashioned, out dated, FUG coming through your screen.  
This crowd was a dahoooozy!

I really enjoyed Seether and Three Days Grace.
They both have some good ballads that swoon my heart back to the 80's.
The heavy metal golden years, of deep sexual connotations merged with titillating guitar riffs.
Ahhhhh, be still my air drums......
NOW! those were the years that rocked!!!!

But then came the last band....
the headlining act:
Avenged Sevenfold.
River was using every muscle in his body to move to the horrific rhythm.  He knew the words and knew the beat....
all I knew, was that I wanted to go home.
No...I'm not kidding!
I wanted to leave.
This band was dark and disturbing and sang screamed their lyrics.
I was NOT impressed and I was NOT wanting my kid to be this into this kind of band!
He begged me to let him just inch his way close to the stage!!!
I said no.
He begged me to let him go into the mosh pit!!!
I said HELL NO!

And THEN!!!
He asked me (under his breath) to please stay an appropriate amount of footage away from him!
Apparently I was ruining his "game".
"When did River get 'game'?", I asked myself in bewilderment.
I discreetly inch myself back to the area of the blanket that houses the washed up rocker chicks who are too lame-o to be seen with their 13 year old son.

Don't get me wrong....I was not hurt in the least.
On the contrary.
I was impressed and proud of River's independence and trust in me, that he could be honest and still know that I would adore him in the morning.
My best concert date ever :)

"A child is not a vase to be filled, 

but a fire to be lit."

Thursday, July 21, 2011

{Calling all angels}

I have some kind of repelling shield around my little love cottage.
The shield does not allow music to come through the radio airwaves into the house.
Let me take that back.
I DO get one oldies and one Latino station.
Neither of which I am impressed with.
So a lot of my music pleasure is brought to me on satellite TV.
I saw a wonderful "crossroads" concert on Palladia.
They had crossed roads with Pat Monahan [lead singer of Train], and ol' what's her toe, Martina McBride.
Love Train [Pat Monahan]....not so much love for M.M.
Anyway, together they make good harmony in spite of my judgements of M.M
Check this out:

Pat was asked a lil' somethin' somethin' about the meanings of his song "Calling all angels".
He said that people assume the song is about religion or spirituality. 
And it is neither.
It is about your own internal goods and uglies.

Pat said that he was going through a very hard time in his life.  He had consulted a counselor to help him sort out his issues.  The counselor told him:
"In each one of us, we have a traitor and an angel.
It's time you start calling all your angels from within to help you."

I think this statement so profound.
It softens a person and takes away the hate, anomocity, and black thoughts.
I would rather be influenced by my angels than be a traitor to anyone.....
especially to myself.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

{things that ROCK my world}

Finding a sweet little health food store only 15 miles away,
This is the place that supplies my fresh ground peanut butter addiction.
Cuz if momma doesn't have her afternoon nut delight on a cracker,
I have weird food cravings and if I can't have what I want, I just don't eat.
no eat=cranky bitch momma
hmmmm.....I wonder why my boys always encourage me to 
take time for myself  
[which means, get the hell away from us cranky mommapants!] 
AND to enjoy a shopping day at Mount Hope Foods! 
[which also means, buy peanut butter in Utah type bulk because we think you are a mommacrazywomannutbreath!] 


For your reading pleasure, I am giving you TWO things in ONE post that 
ROCK the shit out of my world!!!
[obviously I've had my fix of peanut butter today!  I'm feeling very froggy and generous]

24 HR gel eyeliner has saved my face from looking like Alice Cooper in this AZ heat and humidity!!!!
[I seriously  have black smeared front to back and up/down and all around my eyeballs from the sweat when I use a pencil.  I've never really noticed this problem happening before, except maybe from a drunken laugh.]
It does what it promises and is just as easy (possibly easier) as using a pencil.  A bit spendy ($9), but worth every penny!!!  I only have to use small amounts of the gel so I'm thinking this shiz could help me clear through the end of the year!!!!

btw: thank the make-up god that I quit using eyeshadow a couple of years ago!!! 
[I just dust my lids with blush for a dash of color. This is what you resort to when you get old and lazy]
 Eyeshadow and AZ is like a high fiber diet:
slides off slick as shit!
ewww gross!!!
I told you I'm high on peanuts right now!!!!

Wednesday, July 13, 2011


Happy 33rd birthday hot stuff!!!

We love you

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

{WTF in review}

Hello :)
Long time not talkee.
I am still dealing with numb-dumb brain.
But I wanted to give you a review of our events from last week anyway....
Wanna hear it???
Here it goes:

1~ Chelise got a calf and Miss Kitty thinks that she is the calf's momma.  She lays next to her and licks her nose.  Roxy on the other hand, [the cracked out toad eater]  licks the calf's butt area and lets it drop cowpies on her head....true story!

2~ While parking the Harley golf cart, Jax rammed the patio french doors on accident.
He thought the gas peddle was the brake and was continually pushing it while I was yelling "WHOA!!! WHOA!!!"  Not much harm done...a broken screen door and a dent in a metal door.  Thank God it's a rental house!
I can only imagine what will happen when he starts driving real cars!!
I'm very concerned.

3~ Randy fell off the back of his work truck.
You know when you think there is one more step down??  

{thought you might want to get a load of Rand's home on the road}

4~ At 2 am we heard a loud BOOM from our back porch.
When Randy checked the source of the ruckus,
he came face to face with a big-ass coon!
The coon came out with his paws drawn ready to defend
the bucket of dog food that he stole fair and square!
Coon-1  Randy-0

5~  Jax woke me early one morn excited to show me that he had shot a gopher between the eyes with just one bullet BB.
He was scared to see if it was still alive without momma back up.
I asked him why he doesn't just poke it with a stick to see if it moves.
He said,  "my lord mom!!!  
have you ever seen their teeth? 
 i'm not smart, but i'm not stupid either!"
After a few rocks being thrown to ensure gopher death, we walked over to pick up the remains with a shovel.
Yep!  Jax shot that big ol' leaf dead!

6~  Miss Kitty and Roxy tried to chase a skunk out of Chelise's yard.
 Roxy and M.K.-00
AND they need  to be in a vinegar douche bath chamber for another week!
Chelise's house took a whoopin too.
That skunk juice attaches itself to everything it can land on.
It reminds me of a green haze ghost flowing trough windows, doors and cracks, demonizing everything in it's path.
The skunks are probably the worst "wild thing" I have encountered here in the Verd.

7~  We celebrated Lyrik's 2nd birthday at a super fun water park in Phoenix.
I made it down the dark tube slide alive, yet needed a margarita to back it up.
While standing at the poolside bar, I hear a dude behind me say in a country twang,
"yer hair is runnin' orange down yer back".
The dude was Kenneth, Katie's Tennessee lovah, 
and the orange was the remnants of my newly colored hair streaking dorkness down my back.
I will never be sophisticated!

8~  While having a date night talk on the phone to Paula, I knocked a huge cockroach off of my head and on to my shoulder then flicked it onto the cement where I squished/popped him with my flip flop.
I never even said anything to Paula because I'm pretty sure that's something that would keep her from visiting.
But I guess you all should know the truth.
Bugs around here are the norm.
Cockroaches, crickets, beetles, spiders and moths.
But to compensate, we also get dragonflies, hummingbirds and huge butterflies.
I guess it's the yin yang of the country.

9~  We caught the skunk in a cage.
say hello to a 22 shell!
bye bye asshole!

10~  I wore short shorts.
I usually NEVER wear anything shorter than my knee cap because I have old lady skin and veins that look like rivers on a map.
But in this heat and humidity, I had no choice but to break out the daisy dukes!
I now have some understanding of why there are so many 
"People of Walmart" photos!
You just get to the point that you say,
 "hey! I would rather have YOU be in misery having look at me, 
then ME be in misery from a clothing sweat lodge!"
It's called survival.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

{Todays new word is...}

I am experiencing my first real Arizona monsoon season as a resident.
With monsoon season, comes dust storms called "Habubs" pronounced "hah-boobs".
My new favorite word of the summer is
I'm sure there are a few  teenage boys that made it to second base this summer of 2011 and consider hah-boobs their favorite word too.
[wink, wink]

BTW:  Speaking of learning new words, I found it funny that Riv's AZ friend from the neighborhood didn't know what "heck" meant.
Guess you gotta be from Utah to know that there is no such thing as hell...unless you say the word hell, then you will definitely go to hell!  So in Utah we only say heck cuz we all want to go to heaven :)

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

{You jus let dem play bingohhh}

Randy spent the last week (5 long days) working on equipment at a mine located near the four corners.
He said that he got the gammit of weather hysteria.....
sand blasts in orfaces
and hail, the size of golf balls.

I am as disappointed as you are that we are not looking at a picture of Randy doing a back bend over the 4-corners monument to prove that he had a body part in four states at once.  I'm envisioning his foot and ass area would be appropriate closer to the Colorado/New Mexico divide....and of course, his head and heart area in the Utah/Arizona split.

To help keep him company during this lonely time, he called upon the Native Spirits.  And No, I'm not talking about Injin alcohol or a squaw named Spirit!!!
I'm talking about

This week in the Navajo Nation, the DJ encouraged all to:


After 10 minutes, Randy was very thankful for the invention of the ipod nano to get him through the week.

Even though he denies hitting the BINGO parlor while in Navajo country, I caught him yelling O-69 in his sleep last night ;)
sorry....that one was bad.

Monday, July 4, 2011

{Anyone have some water???
Cuz baby, I'm on FIYAH!}

Look at me!!!
I'm a pharaoh!
A foil pharaoh that can tune in Tokyo AND any extra-terrestrial intelligence!
I'm getting some news in right now....
The aliens would like me to tell the Earthpeeps a couple of things:
1~ Chaz Bono has been accepted into Mars and his/her citizenship to Venus has been revoked.
2~ Each time someone farts a Mexi-food, Asian-food, or Arab-type-food.....
it ads another ring of fire to Saturn.
Just an F.Y.I.

OK!! Enough about E.T!!!!
Let's talk about M.E!!!!!

My roots had grown a good 3-fingers, and I looked like a hag.
I keep saying that it's my blonde growing through my scalp, but I'm starting to question if it isn't really grey :(
Regardless, I looked like an old, bad haired, hag with a capital H!!!!!
Katie said that she would rescue my mane and work her magic to transform me into
She had learned a new technique and was dying to try it on someone.
(pun totally in ten did!)
I said "PICK ME!!! PICK ME!!!"
And she did!!!!

*One hot momma means, my hair is done to look like it is on FIYAH!!!!!!
The scalp starts out VERY vibrant and then it gradually fades reds into a blonde at the ends.

can you feel the heat????
I LOVE IT!!!!!

This is so much fun!
I feel like a ROCK STAR!!!
I figure that I only have a few good years left to be able to pull off these "funky-cold-medina" styles.
Trust me!  I'm not going to try to compete with Courtney Love*.
Who could compete with a hole on crack anyhow???
*Carol, this explanation is for you because you might be confused right now.
Courtney Love is a drugged out rock star and had a band named Hole.

I would like to thank my hair extraordinaire, Katie Scarlet, for making me feel
young, spunky, rockin, funky and HOT again!!!!
Thanks Kate:)
I needed that.

Monday, June 27, 2011

{I'm just thankful no one died}

Whew!!!!  They did it!!!
The boys made it through the week of rehearsals and gave us an amazing show on Saturday!!!
I can not believe the amount of work all of the children dedicated to their parts.
It really confirms the spirit and power children hold.

I will start the slideshow with a disclaimer:
This man, you all know him as THE RAND, was the photographer.
I can tell you this.....
things looked much better in person compared to what you see in these pics!!!!

This is a good example of what I mean!!!
Chelise and I looked WAAAAYYY hotter
 (or at least I'm pretty sure we I'm doubting)
when you looked at us with your own eyeballs and not thru this F-U-G captured moment!
I'm blaming my thick face, eye wrinkles, cheesy smile and bad hair color to The Rand's photographic disability.  Cuz ya know, it's always the man's fault!

The boys had many supporting friends/family in the audience.
Good buddy Gale and Sharon (our supah-fly neighbors),
Grandma Carol (She's the one that you can only see one eye closed and a partial tip of nose)
Auntie E (She's the one red eye and ear lady)
Again, the wonderful photography that happens in the hand of THE RAND!

Shelbs and Justin

and...the Cashman begging for dum (aka gum).

The show had children of all school ages.
It was a kick to watch each of their personalities.
Of course, the younger they were, the more we ooo'd and ahhh'd over their cute voices and dance steps.

A line of toy soldiers sure highlighted the ADHD factor in boys!

This group of kids would sporadically march through the play singing an ABC song and skipping.
Some of them would sing, "A-B-C", then run out of steam because of the foot work involved, then pick back up at "H-I-J".

The evil puppeteer, Stromboli, was perfectly casted, and a DYNA-MO on stage.
but off stank DORK-O.
He is definitely made for Broadway in a BIG way!

So, Jax's character was named "Candlewick".
This is the name that made me assume he was a candle.
Apparently, I was wrong!
He is Pinocchio's best friend, and wears a white t-shirt and leather.
He has a gang of lil' Candlewicks that mirror his image.
I don't get what leather and sunglasses has to do with a candlewick, but who am I to say they gave a stupid name to my kid?!?!?
Jax and Pinocchio had a solo song.
Jax did a great job memorizing ALL of his lines, and really got into his character.... especially when he was turned into a jackass and had neck ties as donkey ears.

We had some concern just moments before the show started.
There was a scuffle back stage and Jax almost killed a boy!
I'm not exaggerating when I use the word kill.

Luckily, River and some advising adults stepped in when they saw Jax jump from the floor with fire shooting from his eyes and heading for the other kid's neck!

The story told to me, was that this other kid kept pushing Jax's buttons, (not an uncommon occurrence when it comes to Jax), Jax had done well up until this point to ignore the kid and move on.
BUT Jax just couldn't take it anymore once the kid (who happens to be Hispanic), called Jax an asshole in Spanish!  
The "Spanish asshole" comment was interpreted to Jax by a Chinese kid!?!?!?
Jax went ape-shit and went in for the mexi-retaliation.
He was restrained and calmed down by a couple of adult helpers.
These kids down here have NO idea who they are dealing with... 
do they?!?!?!?
They will soon learn that 
you can't scare crazy!
And when I say crazy, I mean Jax.
???????you all think I make this shit up don't you???????
All I know, is that there was a Jax, a Chinese kid, a Mexican, and a Spanish Asshole involved.

I'm just thankful no one died.
(you don't know how many times I've said that at the end of the day!)

Then we have Riv :)
The Assistant Director/Stage Manager!!!
The dude was exhausted from all of the hard work he had put in.

He was happy to be seen in front of the crowd since he had been behind the scenes all week.

The director called Riv on stage to introduce his "right hand man" and acknowledge his works.
After the evening show was over, and we helped pack up the set, the director pulled River, the Pinocchio, and the Cat character to the side and invited them to an acting summer camp in Montana for a week.
River was honored and proud :)
It would be an amazing experience for Riv, and probably only cost me $10,000!
We will keep you posted.
Be looking for the donation envelope in the mail :)
Only a dollar a day can feed a starving actor in Montana.
Make checks payable to me....

The boys were so damn cute on stage, standing side by side.
They gave each other the "right on" nod, then moved into their sacred "brother" hand shake*.
*consists of some knuckles, elbows, chest bump and twittering fingers.

This momma couldn't be more proud of her boys and thankful for the support that was given to them.

hmmmmm, I wonder what's next???
Maybe Spanish/Chinese lessons???
aaaaaa assholio muy kung pow